Although you have given me quite a lot of protection over the years, you have also given me a lot of pain and suffering. When I am with you, I no longer feel good about myself. Even though our time together has been very intimate, I cannot say that it has been very healthy.
I remember one of the many times when I was a young child and I was left in the care of my dad. Frequently he was high on weed, or tripping on LSD, his distant pink pinwheel eyes provided no sense of safety or love. You were there to give me something to hold onto when the ground beneath me felt unstable. You gave me my own world to escape into. A private world where nothing except you and I existed. You gave me a real sense of something to do with myself and my manifested unbridled anxiety. On days where no one else was around, you were there, always.
One of the things that you provided for me was taking away any boredom that I could have experienced. For instance, on an airplane ride, rather than being in the moment of a long and tiresome flight, you gave me so many things to think about that I really didn’t experience boredom, ever.
But you gave me unsolvable riddles and that really wasn’t fair. You captured my attention tens of thousands of times, and even when I wanted to look away more than anything else in the world, I was frozen. YOU decided when the next minute of my life could begin. I no longer want to give you that power.
Hundreds of times when I wanted to be available and present with my family or friends, you stole away my mind and my time. You left my spirit to feel just like a ragged sheet blowing in the wind. I was only a small percentage of myself, just hanging on, faking it, and trying to get by. I always felt undernourished. You took away my shine and I am going to get it back come hell or high water.
I guess what I am saying OCD, is that it is time to break up. I can’t dodge my life anymore. I am done living in fear. I am done responding to a false reality that you have methodically crafted so perfectly just for me. You are too all consuming and I have other things to do than run back to you again and again and again to your empty arms that used to control me.
What used to seem like some sort of haven, is no longer healthy for me and it can be argued that it never was. I am determined to find new things to do with my life and my time. My goal is to feel uninterrupted joy and find a way to love myself even when I feel misshapen.
I want real peace of mind, not just an empty prize that you promise after demanding my attention and making me do weird stuff in such a shameful way.
I want to access my creative brain juice and live within the spirit that God gave me and put my energies towards good things now, things that I value. This IS the fork in the road where I say good bye. Thanks for all you have done, thanks for trying to protect me, even in your very strange and controlling way.
Good luck and good bye and in an incredibly twisted way, thanks for being my friend all these years. My most distracting friend that manipulated me and injected me with daily terror. You have beaten me down and I want to be built up and not so damn fearful all the time. I want to feel available, feel good about myself and worth something.
I am built for love and I am built for purpose and I am finding my way. Yes, I am certain that it will get lonely sometimes without you, but I would rather stand naked and vulnerable by myself than in your jurisdiction of maddening illusions a minute longer.
I must go, because I know you won’t.